Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Welcome to the future... October 21, 2015

The movie Back to the Future came out in 1985; I was a senior in high school at the time.  It was an awesome flick.  I loved every minute of it.  I was 18 years old, and was already fascinated with time travel. This movie caused me to spend lots of time daydreaming.

I believe the appropriate question is:  When in the hell are we?

The Final Countdown came out in 1980.  This should have been the greatest movie in the history of of the universe because it combined the 3 best elements ever:  Time travel, a modern aircraft carrier (including F-14 fighters) and World War 2.  The movie was a big waste of time for me.  It had such potential.  They could have sent the awesome firepower of the USS Nimitz after the 6 Japanese carriers that attacked Pearl Harbor in 1941.  Can you imagine how cool that would have been?

That's one freaked out Japanese pilot

That would have been awesome.  But it wasn't to be.  I know, I know... The U.S. wouldn't have entered WW2 (maybe), Hitler would have taken Europe and kept it, blah..blah..blah.  Stupid paradoxes.  It's a movie, man.  Let's a have fun time.  Let's buzz the tower ("Negative, Ghost Rider; the pattern is full").  Let's scare the bajebeez outta them Zeros.  You want to talk about waking a sleeping giant?  How about an Exocet Missle down your smokestack, Yamamoto?  Oh, well.  Opportunity wasted.

The Time Machine came out in 1960.  It starts out great, with H.G. Wells going forward in time while he watches a mannequin in a clothing store change styles as the decades click by.  Leaving the year 1900, he makes a stop about 60 years into the future.  He checks out the total coolness of seeing what things are like in the '60s for all of 9 seconds before continuing forward to, like, 1 Billion A.D., where Sleestacks and futuristic cavemen don't get along well.  It was time to turn the movie off at that point.

Another version of The Time Machine came out in 2002.  Though the movie industry had lots of time to develop a better script, using technology from 20 years in the future, it varied only slightly from the original, and sucked just as much.

In Time After Time H.G. Wells chases Jack the Ripper into the future to San Fransisco in 1979.  Kinda dumb, but I had a pretty good time watching it anywayz.  At least we get to see Mr. Wells' reaction to cars and disco.

In Star Trek 4 the gang travels a couple hundred years back in time to save the whales.  This is a fun movie.  It's got some great lines...

Like Chekov, during the cold war by the way, asks one of the village people in his strong Russian accent where the "Nuclear Wessels" are.

And when Bones can't believe the barbarism of Kidney Dialysis.

And when Scotty tries to interface with a 1984 Mac:  "Hello Computer."

And my favorite is when Kirk says (I won't say all of it here because of the colorful metaphor),
"Well, double dumb___ on you."

There are lots of time machines out there. 

Just to name a few...  If I could design my own time machine, it would be something like the classic H.G. Wells version, built inside of a very secure (materials from the future), very large, well ventilated vault built into a large private room in the large basement of my large, red-brick home in the New York City area back in the 1790s.  Within this secure vault would be a very nice TV/Computer (from the future), which would hold within its very large capacity memory drive every (decent) movie ever made, every (decent) recorded piece of music ever made, every (decent) game ever made, every ..... you get the picture.  The room would have a very large freezer and fridge, and a very cool (from the future) kitchen.  Most important of all, it would have a very nice bathroom, with plumbing and all that.  I would have a similar, but appropriate, set up in many different eras of history.

I'm sure it wouldn't take you too much time to name several problems with this little fantasy of mine.  Here's some that I thought of....

  • I'd love to visit the 1950s, like Marty McFly.  Problem:  No laws against smoking indoors.  In fact, I think there was a law that everyone had to smoke whenever they were indoors.
  • I'd love to visit the 1940s, like the Nimitz, both here in the US and in far off battlefields.  Problem:  Same as above.  
  • I'd love to visit the 1860's Civil War time, like the guy in Quantum Leap.  Problem:  No indoor plumbing.
  • I'd love to visit colonial America, like...uh... didn't anyone go to colonial America?  Problem:  The plumbing issue again, obviously.  Also, everyone stinks.
  • I'd love to visit middle ages Europe, like Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness.  Problem:  All of the above, plus the plague.
  • I'd love to visit the holy land during Christ's day.  Problem:  No showers, no plumbing, no toilet paper, lousy public transit and leprosy.  
  • I'd love to visit the future.  Problem:  I'd probably land my time machine right in the middle of a nuclear war.  
  • And the piece-de-resistance for almost all historic time periods:  No air conditioning.

Well, maybe it's a good thing time travel is a fantasy.  A wise man once said...

Thomas S. Monson

That's the end of this boring blog.  I hope you don't feel like you wasted your time.  I'm almost ready for my Back to the Future party.  We're watching parts 2 and 3 tonight, and enjoying us some Fun Dip, Bottle Caps, Nerds & Lemonheads.  I stopped drinking soda in July or I'd definitely be chugging a bottle of Pepsi at the Cafe 80s.

My favorite character in the Back to the Futures is Biff, especially "Mad Dog Biff" from BTTF 3.  We all have had, have or will have a "Biff" in our lives.  When you meet him, no matter how intimidating he might be, remember, he always ends up being full of manure.  Deck him!  And take charge of your future.  Do it for the Lorraine McFly in your life.  That's the power of love.

Time's up.  See ya...

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